My Brother Joe

August 7, 2020

My brother, a little older than me, called me barely six weeks ago and told me he was sick. It was early on, and he had just confirmed it himself, and the prognosis wasn’t terrible and that it was treatable.

But the tests were unable to nail down the source of the cancer, and days and weeks slipped through our fingers, and he grew sicker and sicker. More tests revealed nothing but spreading cancer.

On Monday, Aug 3, 2020, he passed away. Watching the progression of the illness, and his decline, was like watching an unstoppable freight train bear down from miles away. At first, you think you can easily get out of the way, but then you begin to realize you’re tied to the tracks and you never even felt the weight of the chains.

Below is the eulogy I wrote for his service.

It’s difficult to sum up the impact of a person’s life, and when that person is someone like my brother Joe, it’s impossible, because he was someone who had tremendous positive impact on those who knew him, yet he himself was the poster boy for low-key, the definition of understated.

A good, kind man, husband, father, brother.. how do you talk about that kind of loss without railing about the injustice of what’s happened?

It’s easy to talk about the unfairness of why we’re here, but we have to fight what’s easy in favor of what’s right, and also I think I don’t have to convince anyone here of the profound unfairness of what’s happened. The world is less kind, now. If you knew Joe, then you know this.

And the right thing to do is say something that honors him. So I’ll just spend a few minutes talking about what a great big brother he was.

I think we are mostly blind to the scope of impact OUR lives have on those around us, and I think sometimes we are blind to the impact others have on us.

But it is the obligation of each of us to thank those who’ve had positive influence over our lives, but before we can thank them, we have to be aware of that positive influence.

And if you’re good at flying under the radar like Joe was, being aware of his positive influence wasn’t easy.

Joe was 9 years my senior, and he was a wonderful big brother, but I didn’t always know that. I think I wasn’t always aware of how good he was to me, and I worry I never thanked him enough.

He was the best 15 year old big brother a 6 year old could ask for for. We would wrestle in the living room and mom would worry and we’d shake the house, but it always seemed to me like a close match. Sure, he always won, but it was close. He never won easily. I didn’t know then how much he was holding back.

He was the best 19 yr old big brother a 10 year old could have. He taught me to play chess, and he taught me to look ahead during the game, and have multiple plans in case one didn’t work out. He always won, but it was always close. It seemed. I didn’t know then how much he was holding back.

He was the best 25 yr old big brother a 16 year old could ask for. I remember skiing with him on his 25th birthday, and I remember our friend Dick saying “you are a quarter century old!” And I remember thinking how we would ski together for the rest of our lives. I never noticed then, and not for years and years later, that he never lost me on the trails. He could easily out-ski me, but somehow – I thought then – I managed to keep up. I didn’t know then that he simply skied a little slower so he wouldn’t lose me.

He was the best 27 yr old big brother an 18 yr old could ask for. He taught me not only to drive, but to drive a stick, and he was ok with me grinding the gears on his own car, and maybe that’s why he sold that car to me for practically nothing. But I didn’t know then that he could have gotten more for it.

I’m fully aware NOW, but didn’t always know, of how much Joe has influenced me, and I’ll forever be grateful for it. I think that’s an important part of Joe’s legacy – he made me aware of how the most low-key people, the most quiet, can effect the most positive influence.

He opened my eyes to something important and gracious, something that was always there, but never really noticed.

I think without us realizing it, he has burdened us with the important task of noticing those we love and those who’ve made a positive difference in our lives, and to thank them loudly and often.

Maybe I speak for many here when I say thank you, Joe.

I loved you, and still do.

Joe’s official obit is here.